Those Words given by My Parent Which Saved Us as a New Father

"I think I was merely in survival mode for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of being a father.

Yet the reality quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The direct words "You aren't in a healthy space. You require some help. In what way can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While society is now better used to talking about the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a broader reluctance to talk between men, who still internalise negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a show of failure to ask for help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the opportunity to take a pause - going on a few days away, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "bad decisions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, changed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."